Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!" (Steven Wright)

 

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After spending all day watching football, Harry fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up.

 

"Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to seven."

 

He awoke with a start and said, "In who's favor?"

 

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Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.

 

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L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there's a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson -- and when he shows up, they tell him there'll be a ten-minute wait. (Bill Maher)

 

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What not to say to the nice policeman:

 

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

 

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I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. (Rodney Dangerfield)

 

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Their both empty from the neck up

 

 

 

A couple had an argument whilst driving and then passed a pigfarm. Husband asked sarcastically: ”Relatives of yours?“ wife responded: ”Yip, my in-laws!“

 

 

 

What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?

Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

 

 

 

What part of the car causes the most accidents? The nut that holds the wheel.

 

 

 

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s ass….

An Mechanic

 

 

 

Wife gets naked into bed with husband and says: ”tonight I am going to make you the happiest man in town!“ Husband: ”Wow, who is helping you to move?“

 

 

 

Why did the bald head man’s trouser pockets have holes in it?

So that he every now and then can pull his fingers thru his hair.

 

 

 

What is the resemblance between men and clouds?

Eventually they fuck-off and then it is a lovely day….!“

 

 

 

What is a SUGGARDADDY?

An old fossil, with a small tossil, who thinks it is colossal

 

 

 

Jack Benny is walking down the street, when a stick-up man pulls out a gun and says "Your money or your life!" An extremely long silence follows. "Your money or your life!" the thug repeats. Finally Benny says "I’m thinking!"

 

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A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

 

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New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. (David Letterman)

 

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A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?"

 

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Animals may be our friends. But they won’t pick you up at the airport. (Bobcat Goldthwaite)

 

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A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk." Churchill replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."

 

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I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy " I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, ‘Okay, you're ugly too!" (Rodney Dangerfield)

 

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I was born a suspect. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter, hold onto their Mace, lock their car doors. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass I can see old ladies on the phone. They’ve already dialed 9-1- and are just waiting for me to do something wrong. (Chris Rock)

 

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I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for thirty six hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for thirty-six hours. (Rita Rudner)

 

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Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, "You know, the food here is just terrible." The other shakes her head and adds, "And such small portions." (Woody Allen)

 

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I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future. (Richard Jennie)

 

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There’s always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says "Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I’d fight him." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry. (Larry Miller)

 

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I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said "Can I help you?" and he said "No, I'm just looking." (George Miller)

 

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I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio… (Bill Braudis).

 

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China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you. (A. Whitney Brown)

 

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Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they’d say "Thank you." That graduated into "Have a nice day." That’s now escalated into "You tare care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check – the waiter said, "Don’t put off that mammogram." (Rita Rudner)

 

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Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?" (Gilbert Gottfried)

 

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Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. (George Burns)

 

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I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "what do you need?' (Steven Wright)

 

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Bob: "Emily, aren’t you afraid of death?" Emily: "I just think of it as a part of life." Bob: "Yeah. The last part." (Bob Newhart show/Sy Rosen)

 

"Thousands Of Couples Could Be Reunited – But Most Never Find Out How"